Thursday, April 23, 2009


OK so I am trying to think, to rack my brain, to wrap around the idea of modern beauty. What is modern beauty? Sure there are so many definitions but there is a common denominator in all of it. And that is a woman's weight. Why does our culture put such an emphasis on a ladies' waist size and not a man's. Yes men's weight come into play at times. Yes women are not the only ones being picked on. But they do get singled out in most situations. And it is sickening. I am not thin. I am not happy. I can not help but to think that those two are some how inextricably connected. You see even these mundane thoughts such as, “do these pants make my butt look big?”, enter my head. Of all people, as a reader you rely on your writer to provide accounts so furtively accurate without being too informal; that when I crack you crack with me. I guess I expect that. Is that expecting too much?
Here is the best poem I have ever written; the best literature I have ever written:

If I were a bird and more potently loved.
Well I'd still be a bird, unwillingly gloved.
Taken small steps, one at a time.
Pass an old man passing his prime.
To kill is to end, to end is to fake
The morosely endeavored high of mistake.

I am still so young, but I feel so worn out.
Borrowed and weathered and filtered throughout.
I have scratches and bruises and scars; all within.
Demonstrably used, a willing chagrin.
My feet, they are sore and cracked at the seams.
I seem to have lost my callous regimes.

If I were a dog, they'd call me beat down.
Watch as I walk and revive this ghost town.
Reluctantly bear this garbage-like throne.
Maniacally twisting this pain to postpone
The feeling of worthlessness and this charade
Of thriving and bribing what we once portrayed.

I am still so barren, emotionally dead.
Talk in a voice devoid of my head.
Constantly moving, don't blink until dawn.
Feeling this feeling of feeling withdrawn.
You look and you taste as if I were here.
Is it possible now that I am what I fear?

in opportune times, I seek and will find
the omnipotent one, savior of mankind.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Interview with BFF Aimeeeeee

Interview with Aimee

Tab: "Aimee I miss you friend!! How have things been? I know it's been a little rough with Mike going through what he is going through. Do you want to fill the readers in on what has been happening? If not, I completely understand."

A: “Mike has been going through a tough time right now...He was diagnosed with testicular cancer...He had to get his right testicle removed because 80% of it was cancerous He has been a real trooper about it though and i am so proud of him.”

T: “Ya when I first heard that Mike had cancer, I was really taken aback. I freaked out inside, because I had never known anyone with cancer before. Certainly nobody my age.
Now I know that you have had to deal with cancer in your family several times, which is a shame. How do you stay so strong? In my opinion you are a strong, beautiful woman with a voice and a valid opinion and that is why I wanted to feature you.”

A: “Thank you Tabitha your very sweet...I just try to think positive...Yes i know its hard not to think negative things at times but when something in your life is happening there is no room for negativity.”

T: "No problem dude.
So Aimee, I know Against Me is your favorite band. Is there any special meaning to it? Did you get to see them live??"

A: “Yes they inspire me on so many levels...I saw them Live and they kick major ass!”

T: “People can draw inspiration from so many different sources. Mine are mainly music as well, but do you have any other influences outside of music?”

A: “My mother,sister and friends...”

T: “Aww aren't you a sweetie pie!
Living in Trona can be dull at times. How often do feel like escaping and what do you do to satisfy you yearning to leave?"

A: “I feel like escaping alot actually...Sometimes though as weird as this sounds, I love it...I feel safe here...I just going to my bfs house if I ever want to leave lol...”

T: "Well it was so much fun interviewing you Aimee!! I wish you the best and I am sure the readers agree.
Tell them where they can get a hold of you.
Any last words?"

A: “You can reach me on myspace...My myspace is: . . It was awesome talking to you tabitha!...”

Monday, April 13, 2009

Interview With A104.5 The Edge's Danielle

Q1: Hi Danielle! I'm glad you are letting me interview you. So you toured with a song and dance group for 2 years! That's pretty amazing. When was this? What music did you perform to?

A1: “It was really amazing. Great experience. I was there from January 2006 to August 2006 then went back may of 07' til the end of the summer. We performed to every type of music. Rock, Pop, Broadway, Country. I loved it.”

Q2: Very cool! And you traveled all over the country? What made you come back to Tulsa?

A2: “We did travel all over the country. As much as I loved that group, and the people, and the experience. I got a little homesick. So I had planned on coming home just for a month or two, but then I ended up going to college for a year, and as much as i hated college I ended up getting this job at the edge around the same time, and I completely fell in love with this job, and I never had the heart to leave this place and go back on tour.”

Q3: Sweet! Ya I remember listening to the Edge one day and hearing your voice and thinking, “who is this girl?”. I have heard that men outnumber women 4 to 1 in your line of work. Have you felt or experienced the effect of a male-dominated field?

A3: “yeah! i can agree with that. I can't say i've really experienced the effect of it, but thats just because I get along well with guys. I think it's cool being a female in radio since theres not many especially in Tulsa. It's hard to find a female voice to fit a certain genre of music which is why I think a lot of males go into this line of work. Their voices are easier to fit within a genre..Just my opinion....and the guys at the edge are absolutely fantastic.”

Q4: I never thought of it that way; a certain voice for every genre. That is a pretty rad way of looking at it.
I think I read a while back that you wanted to start a band or something. How is that going? Did you become the big popstar you wanted to be?

A4: “ dream since I was 5 years old has always been to become a popstar. I'm still pursuing that dream, but nothing has come of it yet. I'm hoping eventually something will turn around for me in that department...It's a hard business to get into..Which totally sucks, but I suppose if it were that easy everyone would be doing it...But hopefully someday for me “

I could totally see you sharing a stage with Britney or maybe even knocking her off the stage!!
Well thanks so much for the quick interview! It's been a pleasure.
Any last words?

A: lol...I can totally see that too...that would be stellar..yea stellar im bringing that word back.

and you very welcome for the interview...

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Exclusive Easter Interview with Cool Crooner Audrianna Cole

q 1: I don't remember how I found you on Myspace but I am glad I did. I read that you have been singing since you were a “very young girl”, how long is that exactly?

A: “10 years or so.”

q 2: I love your version of “Me and Mr. Jones”, an Amy Winehouse cover. I also listened to “Robot Rebellion Remix”, featuring The Blacks, but those songs are very different. Do you limit yourself to one genre or are you still trying to find your voice?

A: “I go with projects with sounds I can identify with. I (am) not so sure I will ever truly settle for one genrĂ©.”

q3: And that cover you did with your dad, short and sweet but wow! Was that fun for you or did you just think of it as business?

A: “My Dad and I were using the piece to practice. We recorded it for fun.”

q4: So I read that you recently moved from Oregon, what made you relocate?

A: “I moved away from Oregon when I was in the 6th grade. My parents were looking for a change in the military scene. I hope to move back one day. I am a native Oregonian and it's my true home.”

q5: What do expect out of your fans? What kind of reactions do you want and are you wanting to make a career out of music? Because I'm just going to be honest. I definitely think you should. You definitely do not lack the talent and there is a big market for a voice like yours these days.

A: I” plan to sing my whole life. I will pursue a career because I would love to make a living doing what I love.”

Alright well thanks so much Audrianna for the interview! Any farewell words? Maybe let the readers know where they can get a hold of you or your music.

“I am currently entertaining a project with Burnside Records Burnside Records, a Jazz/Blues label out of Portland Oregon. They are a label that caters to Blues, Jazz and Indie Music (my favorites) and you should definitely add them.

They want me to come up with 12-15 classic blues pieces and revamp them.. put a modern spin and my vibe on them. The cool thing is we want some off the beaten path songs, so be sure to expect lesser known songs with this project.

I would also like to say that I am also working with some hip hop producers, so expect more projects with me crooning on the hooks or singing the hooks of other great hip hop artists.

I would like to thank you for the opportunity to interview with your hot new magazine. I look forward to seeing this interview in your new issue. Take care.


Saturday, April 11, 2009

If I seem too unstable to comprehend then please forgive me.
I can remember when I was 9 years old. I was having a garage sale. I had gotten up early that morning to set everything up. Then a couple hours into it my mother woke up and joined me outside. A man drove up, my first customer. He looked around for a couple minutes; not much to look at: a few old barbies, some papers, a few books, etc. Then he payed a quarter for one of those accordion envelopes, you know the ones. And as he walked away I remember noticing his nice gray suit he wore, thinking he was going to use that envelope for something important. Then as he drove away my mother got up and with an unlit cigarette dangling out of the side of her mouth she said, “He only bought that shit to be nice.”
Thus is my life.
Up until now I have been this self-pitying, water works. But I am slowly changing that. I don't understand why someone would ever have children if she (or he) didn't want them. EVER HEAR OF ABORTION?? I guess I am just bitter.
I hate everything these days. From the ground to the sky, from my head to my toes, from my core to the moon. Even though I realize I am a walking contradiction that doesn't stop me. So you read my post yesterday. And you're like, “Oh but she was sooooo upbeat yesterday!” Guess what hunny! My moods change with the moon. I am ruled by it. She sucks me into her orbit. It literally sucks. *joke joke*
I have been living with Borderline Personality Disorder ( BPD fact sheet... ) for who knows how long. (I hate to be so serious, but I thought I should talk about this sooner or later.) Questions pop into my head perpetually; why do I constantly seek approval?? Why do I have, seemingly, no self esteem? Why am I so critical of myself? You the reader as you do what you do, i.e. read, might think, “Oh that happens to all of us.” But let me ask you this, does it affect you so much that you start to hate yourself to the point of sever depression/suicidal thoughts?? I certainly hope not. It is a terrible way to live. It really is. And I can not express how important it is to release your emotions; anger, sadness, depression, angst, etc. Which leads me to my point:
This is a place, a safe-haven if you will, that allows you to release your inner most thoughts and feelings no matter how seemingly benign/controversial they are at the time. I want you to be able to look back ten years from now and read something you wrote and laugh. I ,myself, am a very creative person, or at least I like to think so. And this is my gift to you. Do with it what you will.

Oh and I am going to attach a funny news clipping, picture, comic strip, etc at the end of my posts from now on. HAPPY SATURDAY EVERYONE!!

Friday, April 10, 2009

.shit man .shit

So I was thinking to myself, there are so many fucked up ways of living the life you get you know? I mean there are ways in which you know are wrong and you do it anyway and there are ways you know are right and good and wholesome and all that shit and you don't even try because you think you can't obtain it. Here is a poem I wrote on May 22, 2008. It is called “MFG”:

Loveless anomaly
that's what i am
moral less autonomy
comprised in a can

sugar sweet words
book broken man
taken to herds
of a sheep less land

avenue b stricken to squire
words roll up like wool on fire

I don't know why I wrote or what it really means to me. No I take that back, I know what it means to me but I am not sure how the reader would interpret it. I have been told that my poetry evokes strong imagery and emotion and that it is very abstract. And I abso-fuckin-lutley love that. That is the best compliment I have ever heard, hands down. I like to hear feedback, negative and positive. Especially neutral. I don't know why, but I seem to be able to connect with neutral. I must read way too into it because here is how I see people who have neutral reactions; they are numb. And I can totally relate to that, totally. But anyway I am getting off subject.
Why do people not even try. Why is America so lazy. Yes I am generalizing but you must agree with me when I say that the fact that 65% of the population being obese has something to do with laziness; of the mind and body. But for now I will talk about lethargic minds. I am one of the laziest people I know, yet I get things done. I come from a family of lazy people. I also come from a family that lives well below the poverty line. Is there a connection? I hate to be a snob, but I think there most certainly is. I can not prove it, but only live my life as a walking, breathing example.
So in conclusion, I am going to make this short and sweet. Don't be a menace to south central. And by that I mean don't be a menace to your own society. We all have a makeshift society we live in and in order to make it through the day we sometimes take shortcuts but please, please don't be ignorant.

Oh and before I forget . . .

bitch got what was comin'.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

.don't call me babe

Please do not call me babe. I want to start my zine with just that. I am not your property; something you can label as yours. I am not some misogynistic label machine. And I am not, I repeat, I am not yours for the taking. I am my own grrrl type thing.
Now that we have that out of the way;
I am happy to say this is my first posting for my zine. I doubt anyone will read it, but I won't let that get me down. Oh no, I won't let that a-break-a my stride. I'm goin to keep on truckin', keep on keepin on. . . well you get the idea.
A little about myself:

- My name is Tabitha. But I go by Tab from here on out. It's not the name my parents intended for me, but that's what attracted me to it.

- If I talk about anything "controversial" or something that might seem threatening to you then good. It means I have done my job as a writer.

- I usually don't write about something unless I have been through it myself. I might not come out and admit to you the reader that I have been through [insert topic], but you should just assume that I have. mmkk??

- I am a cancer so I am in tune with my emotions; but I also have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD fact sheet...), which means I have no emotional skin. I will be talking about living with it throughout my posts.

- I am nineteen years young and I will be turning twenty towards the end of june.

- I know most celebrities' zodiac sign; somethings I find interesting I remember forever.

- I have a passion for music and writing, among other things.

- Ma current favorite band as of today, April 9, 2009, is Le Tigre.

- I am constantly revamping, and consequently devamping.

- I desperately look up to Kathleen Hanna.

- I have a secret love, he is dead. All my soul mates are dead; ie Kurt Cobain.

- I am a feminist by necessity. I feel personally responsible for defending women. Well not just women, I defend gays, blacks; minorities in general. Basically anyone who gets shit on daily by the general public.

- I am not a lesbian.

- I am a gypsy, but I currently reside in Tulsa, Oklahoma with the 'rents.

- My favorite color is fuckyou. I think it has been dis-continued.

- My favorite writer is Sylvia Plath. There are way too many parallels that can be drawn between my life and her's.

- I don't watch tv. I don't read the news.

- I have a love/hate relationship with most things, including but not limited to: men, my parents, my sister Alex, the internet, etc.

Well you get the idea.