Saturday, April 11, 2009

If I seem too unstable to comprehend then please forgive me.
I can remember when I was 9 years old. I was having a garage sale. I had gotten up early that morning to set everything up. Then a couple hours into it my mother woke up and joined me outside. A man drove up, my first customer. He looked around for a couple minutes; not much to look at: a few old barbies, some papers, a few books, etc. Then he payed a quarter for one of those accordion envelopes, you know the ones. And as he walked away I remember noticing his nice gray suit he wore, thinking he was going to use that envelope for something important. Then as he drove away my mother got up and with an unlit cigarette dangling out of the side of her mouth she said, “He only bought that shit to be nice.”
Thus is my life.
Up until now I have been this self-pitying, water works. But I am slowly changing that. I don't understand why someone would ever have children if she (or he) didn't want them. EVER HEAR OF ABORTION?? I guess I am just bitter.
I hate everything these days. From the ground to the sky, from my head to my toes, from my core to the moon. Even though I realize I am a walking contradiction that doesn't stop me. So you read my post yesterday. And you're like, “Oh but she was sooooo upbeat yesterday!” Guess what hunny! My moods change with the moon. I am ruled by it. She sucks me into her orbit. It literally sucks. *joke joke*
I have been living with Borderline Personality Disorder ( BPD fact sheet... ) for who knows how long. (I hate to be so serious, but I thought I should talk about this sooner or later.) Questions pop into my head perpetually; why do I constantly seek approval?? Why do I have, seemingly, no self esteem? Why am I so critical of myself? You the reader as you do what you do, i.e. read, might think, “Oh that happens to all of us.” But let me ask you this, does it affect you so much that you start to hate yourself to the point of sever depression/suicidal thoughts?? I certainly hope not. It is a terrible way to live. It really is. And I can not express how important it is to release your emotions; anger, sadness, depression, angst, etc. Which leads me to my point:
This is a place, a safe-haven if you will, that allows you to release your inner most thoughts and feelings no matter how seemingly benign/controversial they are at the time. I want you to be able to look back ten years from now and read something you wrote and laugh. I ,myself, am a very creative person, or at least I like to think so. And this is my gift to you. Do with it what you will.

Oh and I am going to attach a funny news clipping, picture, comic strip, etc at the end of my posts from now on. HAPPY SATURDAY EVERYONE!!

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