Monday, October 12, 2009

New Era and other crap

So I was thinking. I haven't made a post, an actual zine-related post, in months. And that saddens me. Because I set out to post something every day. EVERY DAMN DAY. And I failed. It doesn't surprise me really. I give up on nearly every project I start. But not this one. Not today. Today is the start of a new beginning. A new era in the Mad Babe Zine's short lifetime.

I love blogging, don't get me wrong. I just don't always see the point if nobody is going to read this shiz. But I will keep on it. Despite all the nay-sayers (or however you spell that word, you know I don't think I have ever actually seen that word be written.) Anyway . .

I have been feeling kind of down lately. And I can't really put my finger on what is wrong. I mean there are a lot of things wrong in my life, but I have gotten so used to things being shitty that I have learned to roll with the punches (what is with all the stupid puns today??) and not let every single thing get to me. Then again it just might be my mental disorder that makes me feel this way. Last year I was diagnosed with severe recurring depression and Borderline Personality Disorder. And for a long time I thought it was the kiss of death (fun with puns). I was convinced that when I die it would be at my own doings, ie. suicide. I want to talk about it because I am not the only one this illness and other similar mental illnesses affect. Depression affects so many knowing and unknowing people all around this sweet world. It is a terrible, awful feeling when you don't want to wake up the next day. I don't ever want to feel like that again, but I know it will inevitably happen again because that is the one constant in my life. THUS FAR. I am not saying I am the poster child for "Counseling Works" because I quit that too. But it does help some people. And I don't think I have completely given up on it. You never know. All I know is that I was told that prescription drugs are not a permanent fix. Which makes sense if they actually helped me. Which from the latter you can tell that they didn't help me. I guess for a while I felt they were helping. Or maybe it was that if I quit taking them something bad would happen. I don't know. It's beyond me. All I know is everyone is different. EVERYONE.

"Today is going to be a good day. Today is going to be a good day . ." I keep repeating that in my head. I truly believe in the power of positive thoughts/thinking. It is amazing what you can accomplish when you believe you will do a good job.

Here is a poem I wrote in class:


too tired to feel
pain and its cousin
mass made appeal
held tight and shut in

don't wanna live
don't wanna die
fight just to feel
the pain of a lie

lies like prayers
proudly attained
kept in layers
mildly stained

stains empowered
by child-like man
collect all the flowers
created with pen

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